To Mysore Pa or not!

I like Mysore Pa. I do eat it once in a while. Sometimes I get a craving for Mysore Pa and if I could get some Mysore Pa then I do go and get me some Mysore Pa. But I don't go largely out of my way to get a Mysore Pa. If someone I know have some Mysore Pa and if I am comfortable with them, I might ask them for some Mysore Pa; but I won't steal it from them. If someone offers me Mysore Pa, most cases I accept it. I can live without Mysore Pa, but as long as I want it and am able to get some Mysore Pa, I would eat it. 

Does that make me  a    b a d    p e r s o n ??? 

Dream a little dream!

I dream nice dreams. Then I paint them for everyone. I then entice people to join me in my dream. I pull them closer, make them happier, then...I let the dream fade. I betray them, in a way. But I am not sorry about it; I will never be sorry for who, what I am. But I do feel bad. They must have believed that I could be amazing; and I know I could be. I am amazing, everyone is, aren't they? But I drift a lot, I don't paddle when I should, when I could. I leave them be. I tell them stories. I take them through adventures. And, I lead them into dungeons. I am a bad influence. I give hope; I show them light - only to take it all back from them. In a way I am a failure and I drag people down with me.
Well, Fuck off then; go on!

P.S.: Number of occurences of the word 'I' in this passage - 28.

To be or not to be!

Am I an artist? I never thought of me as an artist. But then, now I think, I maybe one. I could be one anyways. If I try harder with my photography or my writing or both, I can make good art. And if I could and I didn't, then that would be sacrilege!

Cui Bono.

We all have our existential crises and doubts. We all should have them at one point of time. Here or there? Or where?
Most of us had a cushioned past - the details were made out for us by someone else. We just need to step on to the train. Our life, education and career so far has been just hiking on someone else's shoulders. Then it hits you - and hits you hard. We are here and we are wondering if this is a rut that we are stuck in. We think hard. We aren't content with the glass and the water it contains. We are hungry but we aren't hungry enough. We are fools but not foolish enough.
We read about others who are better than us. We read about their adventures. But, we don't read about their failures. We don't notice the thousands of throws which didn't end up in the hoop but we are amazed and enticed by the beauty of the ones which did end up perfectly. We dream of perfection, but we don't strive for it. We blame the system but we forget the fact that it wasn't meant to be fair. It was meant to be causal. We forget the fact that the only rule in the universe is causality. The cruel and impartial rule of cause and effect. So perfect, yet so simple.

Reminds me of this quote from the Scoresese movie The Departed:
Ellerby: Cui Bono, who benefits?
Colin Sullivan : Cui gives a shit. It's got a freakin' bow on it.

The best slice of the mango.

There is something strangely mystic about mango trees. Before you completely laugh me off, let me tell you that it is totally a personal feeling. For me, the tree which should be in my backyard should be a mango tree. The tree which should cast a shadow on my balcony should be a mango tree. And after a rain, when I occasionally clean my terrace, the leaves I should sweep out should be of a mango tree. It has nothing to do with the heavenly fruits that grow on them. It has nothing to do with the sweet smell a mango tree in full bloom evokes. Mango trees for me has nothing to do with sweet and shine. It has to do with the shade, the shadows and the feeling of lost love and lovers who ignored me and the lovers I have ignored. It has to do with loss, it has to do with nostalgia, it has to do with Hemingway, it has to do with the alleys that are always dark even in the noon sun, it has to do with all that is there to be taken and yet not taken.

Think damp.

Rain makes you think. And I have been thinking, for thinking's sake. What is it that would make me happy? Like, really happy? That would be one for a list, of course; and the list changes with time. There has always been one thing which has featured prominently and almost perpetually in that list - travel. Recently, I read an article which threw an idea in to me - Think hard, what was it that I wanted to do when I was 12 or 13 years of age? How much of it is feasible/legal now? Maybe I should wrack my brain and find an answer to that question; maybe that would answer most of my other questions.

Of forks in the road and not finding them.

They say everything comes with a price; they say everything happens for a reason - that everything is relative. But, is it really so? The choices exist only in the minds of the confused. For the ones who truly know what they want, everything is absolute. There are no choices. There is no need for a choice. The fork in the road does not exist for them. For, when they pounce upon the road, they never see any forks; they move ahead through the one and only path that exists before them. A vagabond seldom needs a map; neither does he bother about the signboards.

I started reading this book 'Chasing the monsoon' by Alexander Frater. The author travels with and along the path of the monsoon, in the Indian sub-continent; sometimes ahead, sometimes with and sometimes behind it. To embark on such a journey one must not just love the rains, one must truly belong to the rains.

As long as I remain confused, I will never be able to find the path. I will have to look for signboards. I will have to read the maps. I will have to follow. I shall never tread the absolute. I shall never be complete.

A Man, must not do what he must do; rather a Man must do what he wants to do.

Heads it is!

More often, than not, these days, I tend to think a lot about my present point in life. I retrospect and see the last 3 to 4 years to have changed me a lot, as a person. Having said that, it is also true that I have remained in the same position mostly, to a point where I find myself lagging behind all my friends, who all started their careers with me. Many have moved up the ladder; many moved out of the country; many even left this career for another which satiates their soul more. Makes me wonder, why am I still stuck in this rut (that's a bit extreme, but right now I am in an extreme mood).

I know I am not stupid, I won't be boasting if I say I am quite intelligent too and for the things I am passionate about and have conviction, I really come out well above par. The problem, I believe, with me is that I tend to be complacent too soon, which isn't really good a thing.

I digress, so what is this current point of my life? This is the point where most of my friends, with whom I can relate to, are getting married. And they are getting married the Indian way, letting the family find a girl for them. A very dear friend of mine, with whom I can totally relate to (in his own words, we are two people who don't meet or talk frequently like thick friends, but can easily start the conversation from where we left off - which would have been like after 3 4 months) is getting married, and he found a girl the Indian way :)

I don't believe in destiny when it comes to relationships - the belief that there is a girl/boy for everyone somewhere blah-shit. Hell, I don't even believe in Destiny. For me, Destiny is a blind guy with the Cosmic log chained to his hand (er... Sandman porn, My bad!).
The point here being I feel stuck in the deepest ruts I have ever found, in all ways, personally, professionally and every fucking-ly!
I know I'll snap out of it - every one does.

Me and my friends recently moved to a new place, since our earlier landlord was selling the one which were staying. It must have fetched him 1.5 to 2 Crores of rupees for that house. He works in the software industry too, a manager or someone senior - 11 to 12 years of experience. I am quite sure he doesn't come from a filthy rich family - his dad used to be an engineer, old timer. Upper middle class family - must have bought the land back when Bangalore real estate was cheaper. Now he is a Crore-pathi. He hasn't done anything radical or extremely risky, but the timing was good and he was rewarded by a sniff of nice luck and chance.

Conversely, a couple of my friends stay in a rented apartment, and they say their landlord owns 45 flats in their apartment complex itself. He seems to be a young guy - late twenties or early thirties, I have been told. He comes from a community well known for their exploits in the real estate business. His dad must have taken a big risk, a calculated risk nevertheless, and has been rewarded, well and fair enough.

So one either need be lucky or be ready to take risks, isn't it? And since I don't expect lady luck to be rapping on my doors any time soon, it has to be the other way round for me, I reckon. And I am in a rather feisty mood to do something stupid, lately. I am sure the view down from the cliff will be much better than the view from the gutter, at least.